Moondying over Elizabeth’s Chair until I Bligh
It’s crime time in crime nation.
4 April, 2023 | Sydney, Australia
Major General Lachlan Macquarie was Australia’s fifth Governor General and is notable for several reasons - the principal one being just how many things he managed to get his name on in the country
If a naming was potentially questionable - like there were already several things named after him in close proximity, he managed to get his spouse Elizabeth in on the action; and though Mrs. Macquarie’s Chair isn’t a direct reference to his wife’s ass, I get the impression that if he felt he could get away with such a thing in the early 1800s, he might have.
I mention all this because I visited the Australian Museum I forgot to mention a few more of my favorite characters in Australian history not named “Big Fella” - Moondyne Joe and William Blight.
The theme that links these guys together is repetition.
William Bligh you might have heard of. Know as a stern disciplinarian, Captain Bligh of HMS Bounty was overthrown in a dramatic mutiny in 1789. In his best selling narrative of the event, Bligh blamed the mutiny on the allure of Tahiti. The eventually court-marshaled crew claim it was because the rations were cut in half and he was generally a huge asshole. Either way, his later career involved some pretty good runs against the Dutch and French during the Napoleonic Wars, so he was given the Governorship of New South Wales with (among other things) the task of cleaning up the illegal rum trade. You’ll never guess what happens next.
In what was known as “The Rum Rebellion”, Bligh was overthrown. Lachlan Macquarie took over and now our circle is complete.
Except…what’s this? Who is this dashing hobo who doesn’t appear to have eaten anything other than stale bread and bone marrow his entire life?
What can one say about Moondyne Joe that isn’t obvious from his name and that visage? This was a man who loved crimes, yes. I mean obviously. He was trucked off to Australia basically for the crime of stealing some pork rinds ("stealing from the house of Richard Price, three loaves of bread, one piece of bacon, several cheeses, and other goods").
Given that Australia of the 1860s was basically just a big jail, it’s funny that he was thrown into a jail immediately within that country for grabbing a horse that didn’t seem to have anyone’s name on it. Like so many property crimes, this seems like bullshit to me, but they didn’t even get him in front of a judge before escaping.
If there is anything Moondyne Joe loved more than crime, it was escaping prison.
1861: “Stole” a horse. Escaped with the horse. Destroyed the evidence - cut the brand out (RIP horse). Only got a 3 year term for jailbreaking, not 10 for horsetheft
1865: Accused of killing some guy’s horse. 10 years hard labor. Escaped. Bunch of robbery. Caught again.
1866 (August): Petitioned the Chief Justice, who knocked it down to 4. “Fuck this” thought Moondyne, escaping again, this time with friends.
1866 (September): The gang does a big robbery for supplies and tries to run for remote South Australia - a genuinely deadly insane idea, but are eventually caught.
1867: They put him in superjail; special chains, escape proof cell, the works. Warden: “if you get out of this, I’ll forgive you”
Almost minutes later: Moondyne Joe wiggles out of this jam lol
1869: They finally stumble upon Joe, basically accidentally while he happened to be doing crimes in the same house some cops were invited into.
1871: Comptroller General Wakeford heard about the warden’s promise and was like “honestly, that seems fair” and released Moondyne.
He went on to do some more crimes, minor stuff with small prison terms. Anyway, say hello to my next DnD character.
